Bridging Leadership Lessons from the Workplace and Those Experiences Shaping Today's Youth and Tomorrow's Leaders
The words written in the Declaration of Independence have inspired generations of Americans as well as citizens of other countries. The story about the young upstart that was willing to fight for their freedoms, despite the odds before them, is inspiring to all people who have ever felt held down. “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” While the declaration was written to declare their independence and rally together the 13 colonies, it wasn’t about forming a new nation. It was written, “That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent States.” We have come to recognize this day as being synonymous with the founding or our nation, but in reality, it was the day we stood up and said we were no longer going to be ruled by a foreign power. It was pretty clear that we didn’t want to be ruled by a domestic power as well, since the Colonies viewed themselves as their own sovereign powers. It wasn’t until 10+ years later that the Founding Fathers realized that independence, by itself, without a true purpose, wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be. They recognized the limitations and challenges associated with being independent colonies and set about to create this incredible system of representative democracy. The preamble attempts to provide the “why” that is so critical to unite a people. “We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, ensure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.” There are so many critical words within that sentence that each of them could be the subject of its own blog post. But what I enjoy most is the phrase “...in Order to form a more perfect Union…”. It shows that the Founding Fathers were aware of the flaws that resulted after winning their independence. It also shows the recognition that the new nation that they were founding with this Constitution, was not perfect. They showed a willingness to embrace Continuous Improvement and saw this Nation as a journey and not a destination. What a great reminder that it is not an end state that we are trying to achieve, but we are looking to be better than we were yesterday. They chose to work towards a MORE perfect or a better place than they were before. They were not arrogant enough to assume that they would create perfection. On this day, may everyone take a moment to realize that your commitment to work towards a “more perfect” today is the key to improving Beyond Today.
0 Comments
When things are hectic, it can be very difficult to keep things in perspective. The pressures of a challenging economic climate, complication of a changing workforce while navigating the hidden landmines associated with remote & hybrid work. Throw on top of this the polarizing impact of social media that attempts to unite by dividing and no wonder it is easy to get caught up in life’s struggles. On a recent business trip, there was a young couple with 2 preschool aged kids sitting a couple of rows in front of me. Throughout the flight, you could hear the older brother talking about everything and anything. No nap. No relaxing. He was engaging anyone and everyone who would listen. While I could never quite make out what he was saying due to the pressure in my ears and the ambient sounds, his voice seemed to be the only other constant besides the humming of the engines. Right before we landed, I could finally hear the actual conversation. In the sincerest manner, I heard his little voice ask, “are you having the best day?” I’m not sure if the question was directed to his mom or his little sister, but regardless, I couldn’t help but smile. I wondered if his parents understood the power of such a simple question or were they worn out from the long day of travel with an energetic young boy? Did they take a moment to appreciate the purity and honesty of the question or was their focus on getting out of the confinement of the plane and getting a break? On my return flight, as I was waiting to board the plane, I was able to enjoy another young family where the parents were trying to occupy their kids by staring out the gate window at the planes pulled up to the jetways. “Dad, there’s our plane. That one right there.” I lost count, but to the best of my recollection, he pointed that out 18 more times in the next 10 minutes to be sure his dad didn’t forget. He also pointed out to his little sister that their luggage was being loaded. Whether or not they traveled with 46 bags is still not verified, but according to the little boy, it was their luggage. The parents smiled and encouraged the interaction in hopes of distracting them from the wait for their group number to be called. But gradually, that gave way to the firm, close talking of the parents explaining to their kids to not be so loud and to calm their behavior. I took the opportunity to encourage the parents to find ways to enjoy these moments. To see these as future memories instead of stressful struggles. I shared my own experiences with our kids, and they could tell, by my enthusiasm in telling the stories, that they were cherished memories. As I boarded the plane and settled into my seat, I reflected on those two families and how they seemed to overlook those incredible moments that brought such warmth and joy to my heart. But as I was enjoying the beverage service, I realized that my perspective today was different. How I view my memories of those experiences is different than how I felt when I was living through them as a young parent. When it was happening, I was caught up with the frustration and challenges of four young kids who didn’t seem to listen. When it was happening, I failed to recognize the powerful growth and bonding time of those situations. Something, as someone who now has 3 of the 4 kids in adulthood, I can now appreciate and cherish as I miss the innocence of their youth. What a great reminder to find those moments of challenge that will be your future treasured memories. Those tales of woe that will become your stories told with laughter and pride. As part of a recent training class, I listened to a TEDx Talk by Dominic Colenso. He said, “the traces of our past shape the narrative of our future and will continue to influence the stories that we tell.” We must learn to embrace today's challenges, today’s stories, because it is our memories of these stories that will live Beyond Today. Where I work, we have developed a Competency Framework to aid in the growth of our employees in their work, but more importantly in their life. They identified four main competency areas:
I was asked to give a talk at work on one part of the Mindset competency, specifically on the topic of Trust & Integrity. As I was preparing for the talk, I looked back at some of my previous posts to see if there was anything in there that I could reference. My post titled Trust in Vulnerability was an obvious starting point for me. Being vulnerable and open has been an approach I have used to build connections with people over the years. I felt by opening up about my own failures and fears, that I could build a reasonable amount of Trust with others and provide a safe environment for them to share as well. As I was thinking about specific examples from my past that I could share with others, one jumped out to me associated with one of the executives who was impactful to me during my early years in management. One day he pulled me aside after a management team meeting and offered up some advice. “Tom, I appreciate how open you are with the team and show vulnerability in our meetings. But you need to be aware that not everyone sees the value. There are people who will see that as a sign of weakness and will exploit that weakness.” I considered what he said. It wasn’t just a warning about a potential issue in the future, but I believe he was making me aware, indirectly, that he had already been approached by others who were looking to pile on and point out my flaws for their own gain. As a young manager, this was a big deal to have your executive open up to you and share his wisdom and experience while also pointing out that I am facing some challenges. I replied, “I understand. But that is where you come in as the leader. I trust that you have my back.” I share this because it is a great example of how Trust & Integrity can have an impact on those around you. I was willing to put myself out there because I trusted my leader. I felt he would show integrity when the time came to provide support to me. It also served as a reminder to him that I, as a member of his team, need him to be a leader. To be a person of Trust & Integrity. I again showed vulnerability by understanding that not everyone would appreciate my approach, but I was still willing to do what I felt was right. I like to think of that moment as a pivotal moment in both of our lives. I was a newer mid-level manager around 30 years of age. He was in his later years and had been in leadership positions almost as long as I had been alive. He empowered me to be a manager and a leader of Impact. I empowered him to be the leader I needed. I expected excellence from myself but was still willing to be vulnerable and share when I didn’t meet my own expectations. I also expected excellence from him as well, a person old enough to be my Dad. Leading and living with Trust & Integrity isn’t easy. I have stumbled and fallen more than I like to admit. Throughout my life it has been a two steps forward, one step back process as Trust & Integrity is something you build not something that simply exists. There are always situations you regret and wish you could take back. There are times you react before taking the time to understand. But Trust isn’t a solo act, it’s built in relationships and through practice. Integrity, as an individual is highly important, but it’s the integrity you build within your team, founded on Trust that creates a strong and enduring structure that will last Beyond Today. It was raining on May 23, 2011. I remember this because it drove me inside for my run/walk using the Couch to 5k program. It was also the day I died on the gym floor. Watch out for Day 3, Week 3 because it’s a killer. Like a lot of men at the age of 41, I was struggling with weight gain and was actively working to get the weight off. I played pick-up basketball several times a week and while I had an office job, I was active outside of work which I always hoped would have done more to keep my weight in control. But unfortunately, my dietary habits outweighed my energy levels! I began using a dietary weight loss program and paired that up with using a Couch to 5k app that would help me improve my cardio beyond the start and stop of Noon League basketball. I enjoyed the app as it balanced walking with jogging and helped build up your ability to run by gradually introducing more jogging in a controlled manner. The app would interrupt the music and tell you when to walk, jog and cool down. Perfect for someone like me who struggled with the concept of running. I would try and perform my Couch to 5k workout during my lunch break. I also played in “Noon League” which was a long-standing unofficial pick-up basketball game at the local university that would be played by community members, college kids and professors. We typically played on Monday, Wednesday and Friday and the games could get competitive but were always friendly and respectable. On days when I knew I would play basketball after my run, I would run near the University and the hospital on the quiet side-streets of an older, sleepy neighborhood. Rarely any traffic or students on the streets to disrupt my run or if I’m honest with myself, to stare at the older, out of shape guy trying to get in shape! Because of the rain, I moved inside the gymnasium and ran on the track. This was the first time I had run inside the gym. As I was running, people began to file in, warm-up and shoot for teams on the court below me. As I neared the completion of my run, I hollered down to the people below and said, “save me a spot on the next team, I’m almost done.” Of course, that led to trash talking from a couple of the players stating they didn’t want me if I wasn’t going to have any legs. Little did they know that it wasn’t my legs that would be keeping me from playing. I completed my workout, headed to the court during my cool down session. I had a seat on the portable bleachers on the side of the court and began to take off my running shoes. I bent down to pull my basketball shoes out of my bag and collapsed, face down on the gym floor as my heart stopped beating. Joey Goodson, then the Asst Coach of Missouri S&T basketball team, was getting ready to say something to me when he saw me tumble, headfirst off the bleacher. He then sprinted to me while instructing others to go get the trainers. When Joey got to me, he rolled me over onto my back and tried to wake me up. Some of the assistant football coaches raced out the side doors scrambling to locate the trainers. Luckily, the trainers had gone to an early lunch and were already back at the gym. While one of the trainers, Liz Sisemore, performed CPR, another went to grab the AED, which was a recent addition to the facility. One 3000-volt charge and just like that, May 23, 2011, was My Day of Impact. My first moment of consciousness showed a group of faces gathered around me as I laid on my back. I first noticed Coach Goodson and I remember saying, “Hey Joey, what’s up?” Then I looked around and realized something wasn’t right. I gave an embarrassing chuckle and said “oh no” as I realized I was on the ground with people gathered around me so I must have fainted. My next moment of alertness came as I was being placed on a stretcher by EMT personnel. She began asking me questions with the only one I could answer with confidence was my name. I remember using my formal name, including my middle name, but I’m not sure why. Maybe I was thinking if I was going to Heaven, I needed to be official. I couldn’t tell them how old I was as I responded that I was either 40 or 41 because I just had a birthday. I couldn’t tell them what day it was, but I knew it was a Monday, Wednesday, or Friday because I was at the gym. The confusion continued for some time as we made our way into the ER and what seemed to be a massive room that had tons of friends hanging out with me as my wife Jenny came into the room. I know now that the room wasn’t that big and that there were not really 20 people back there with me, but that is how my mind has stitched together that time. I remember Jenny trying to tell me that I had a heart attack and I kept discounting that telling her that I just fainted. I do remember a lot of people staring at me with various looks of fear, sympathy, and humor as I tried to make sense of what was happening. People were coming in and out of the room to show support. People who were at the gym with me, people from work, people from the community were all coming and having a quick chat, showing support, and checking to see if Jenny or I needed anything. I remember my good friend Bill Marshall coming up to me and squeezing my hand. Bill’s wife, Lynda, was an avid exerciser and she would give Bill and I grief about needing to do more to get in shape. I pulled Bill in close as if I was going to impart some deathbed wisdom on him and I said, “tell Lynda to get off your ass because that exercise will kill ya!” As the reality sank in that I had a heart attack and that more might need to be done, I elected to move the 100 miles up the interstate to Barnes Jewish Hospital in St. Louis, one of the leaders in Cardiac care. As I prepared to make the journey via ambulance to St. Louis, my wife ran home to grab items for my planned stay in St. Louis. The Miners Head Coach at the time, Jim Glash, left the conference meeting upon hearing of the incident and showed up to the ER to visit before my departure. As we were talking, the Heart Doctor poked his head in with the printout that he was able to download from the portable AED. He raised it above his head and stated, “just as I thought, sudden cardiac death” as he abruptly left the room. The room became quiet, and I looked up at Coach Glash and asked, “well, do you think I should call it a near-death experience or a death experience?” Coach Glash, responded solemnly, “Tommy, I think that qualifies as a death experience.” During the ambulance ride, the EMT told me that she had never had a conversation with someone that was paddled before until long afterwards. I called my brother during the ride and asked that he let our mom know what happened to me. Because we are a family of jokesters, my brother didn’t believe me, even after having him talk with the EMT. Only after she had the driver flip on the siren did he take me seriously. The care I received at Barnes was excellent. Through the next couple of days, I noticed that my room seemed to be a hotbed of activity as employees would gather around outside to catch a glimpse of the 41-year-old who seemed to be perfectly normal. The survival rate of a widow-maker has climbed to above 10% in recent years. When I was wheeled into my room, I was fully alert, talkative and did not look like someone who had just been through a cardiac event. The initial tests showed only a slight blockage of 60%. Since I didn’t really have symptoms that I recognized, they felt it would be prudent to implant a defibrillator as an insurance policy. As they performed the catheterization in preparation for adding a stent, the results showed that I had a 90% blockage of the widow-maker and two other blockages over 70%. With my wife and 4 young kids gathered around me, I did my best to demonstrate that everything was okay with me and calm the fears in their little eyes. I shared stories to them and the hospital staff about my experience of seeing the “white light” upon which I told them to “get that damn light out of my eyes!” Which resulted in a few uncomfortable laughs. I followed that up with a very serious, but melodramatic rendition of staring death in the eyes. “As I stared down Death, he slowly stretched out his boney arms towards me, I grabbed his cold wrist and said, ‘Not today Death… not today.” Of course, I acted this out and left my hand gripped in front of me and looked everyone in the eyes with a menacing and fearless stare. My 8-year-old middle son Trey, burst into laughs and kept repeating my line. This caused the other kids to join in on the laughter and left my wife to wonder how long I had gone without oxygen to the brain. That evening, I laid in the bed and began to wrap up various work activities and send out different communications in preparation for my time away from work. I decided to send a note to Liz, my Angel, that had made sure I would be able to entertain my kids with my colorful story of the day's events. That is when everything hit me like an emotional tsunami. The tears made it tough to see the screen of my laptop as I poured out words of appreciation. I shouldn’t have been there to send that message. There were so many things that had to happen to allow me to share this story 12 years later. It was raining and it was the first time I had run inside instead of a side street where it could have been hours before I was found. The athletic trainers had gone to an early lunch and so were both present and nearby. The AEDs had recently been installed in the facility. Joey just happened to be looking right at me because he was getting ready to say something to me which allowed him to respond immediately. When you throw this on top of two other near-death experiences growing up, there was no doubt in my mind that God had a bigger plan for me. I am not egotistical enough to think that he had great things in store for me personally. I knew it wasn’t me who was destined for greatness. But it was someone that I would Impact. Maybe it would be my kids or my future grandkids. Maybe it would be one of the kids I coached, a coworker or even a stranger reading one of my blog posts. But at that moment, I knew that my purpose was to have an Impact on others and have since worked on finding ways to do that to the best of my ability. When my mentor, Steve Moles, and I first met we talked about my personal goals. He came into my life shortly after that event 12 years ago and has been a driving force encouraging and challenging me to find ways to increase my Impact on others. The stars aligned on that day which allowed My Day of Impact to impact others Beyond Today. Highways have long been part of Americana and winding through our history like the Pacific Coast Highway winds along the shore. The iconic history of Route 66 can be found in the 1939 Steinbeck novel, the Grapes of Wrath, the 1965 classic Easy Rider and the hilarious National Lampoon’s Vacation of 1983. When Sammy Hagar was belting out “I can’t drive 55” in his 1984 hit, I’m sure he wasn’t considering the possibility of being referenced in a leadership blog almost 40 years later. As parents of competitive athletes, we have logged a ton of miles through the years taking our kids to games. This past weekend, we wore out the asphalt on I-44 as our son had three days of games in St. Louis. Driving home on the last day, with the windows down, music playing and everyone in the car closing their eyes, it gave me some alone time to consider that pattern and behavior of the cars on the road and how they engaged each other as we journey down the road together, but separate. As I was becoming frustrated as a slow-moving truck would continuously pass, slow down and then pass again, I started to think about the pattern and wondered about the motive as well as the impact on others. As so often happens in my mind, I started to think in terms of how this relates to our interactions with others in a team environment. It made me think about the roles people play in work and how they are also moving down a “highway” towards an outcome. Life is a Highway was a hit single for Tom Cochrane in 1991 and in 2006 skyrocketed up the charts thanks to the animation Cars and the performance by Rascal Flatts. If Life really is a Highway, which driver are you? The Lead Car This person is always out front, leading the charge. The know the risk that happens when they put themselves out in front, but they have a good understanding of their surroundings, the optimal speed without crossing over to being reckless. They are fearless and confident, but also measured and in control. They don’t weave in and out of traffic but instead, follow the road, setting the pace with a clear purpose and vision. The Follower They drive along, waiting for the Lead Car to show up. They typically are afraid to take risks and play it safe, cruising along in the right lane. They move into the passing lane, as necessary to move forward, but once passing they move back into the right lane before other cars can misinterpret them as the Lead Car. Once the Lead Car is sighted by passing on the left, this driver immediately kicks it in gear and signals to everyone that you are heading to the passing lane. What’s interesting about the Follower, is that the exuberance of following the Lead Car can be short lived. They start to have doubts and get uncomfortable at this newer pace. Is the speed too fast? What if I get a ticket? At that moment the Follower has a choice, to stay outside their comfort zone and continue to follow the Lead Car or with a flick of the wrist, dejectedly, they can signal to merge back into the right lane and wait for a new Lead Car that is safer. The Competition Driver. AKA Ricky Bobby “If you ain’t first, you’re last.” This is the driver that triggered this post being written. The moment they are passed on the highway, they immediately speed up and pass them back to get out in front. Many times, these drivers seem to be playing a game since once they pass it appears that they forget what they are doing as they move back to the right lane and gradually slow down again, forcing the other car to pass them once again. This endless cycle doesn’t get old for them, but it does for everyone else. The Road Block I was going to call this person the Pace Car, but that really is too nice of a term for the most frustrating driver on the road. This driver typically lives in their own world and is completely disconnected from others. Their focus is on themselves and their car and don’t consider the wellbeing of others with whom they are sharing the road. These drivers can be found flourishing in their natural habitat of the left lane cruising at their own pace, in no hurry, delaying the progress of others. They create frustration and even anger in others as they force people to adjust their paths and move around them to continue their journey. These drivers should not be confused with Distracted Drivers who get lost in thought or conversation. They typically, upon realizing they are being viewed as the RoadBlock, immediately put up a hand in an embarrassed wave and either speed up or merge to allow you to pass. The Timid Many times, these drivers get mislabeled as the Roadblock because their lack of action makes them look like a Roadblock even though it is not their intention. For instance, to satisfy their risk avoidance, they will either set their cruise control at the speed limit or 1mph over. This way they don’t stand out, one way or the other. The problem is that when they get behind a slower vehicle, they attempt to pass while on cruise control. It may take them a mile or two to finally get around the slightly slower person in the right lane. So, while it looks like they are keeping pace, they are actually forming an impenetrable wall, keeping others from their destination. They also seem to have overzealous blinkers, engaging their turn signal seemingly minutes before slowly & cautiously merging into or out of traffic at a safe speed. The timid like to take time talking about their action before finally taking slow and deliberate yet safe action. They typically do not get into accidents but are often the cause of accidents for others. Fast & Furious The name says it all. Just like the movie, they leave a path of destruction in their wake. Other drivers are having to slam on breaks, swerve to avoid accidents and are debating whether or not they need to report them due to the risk to others. They offer moments of stunning highlights, a lot of bad drama, operate in predictable cliches, are rarely worth the price of admission, and if you don't address it quickly, they will be sure to produce sequels. The Student Driver Essentially there are two types: “OMG! I can’t believe I’m driving?!” and “OMG! I’m driving!” The first one doesn’t know what to do and therefore is insecure and afraid. They have one foot on the gas and the other on the break. They may not know where they are supposed to go and because of the lack of confidence, struggle with directions unless it comes from Siri. Chances are, if you see someone stopped at a roundabout, it is them. The second one thinks they know it all and like to give pointers to others. Chances are they are making a TikTok video while driving. They are confident that they would win the Indianapolis 500 and that old people (those who are 30+ years of age) should not be allowed to have a driver's license. We are all traveling down the highway of life together. Some highways are more crowded than others, but it’s always important to be aware of the type of driver you are as well as those drivers who are around you. Fostering an environment that creates awareness is a great way to make sure that all drivers reach their destination Beyond Today. As a lifelong learner, I enjoy all types of training. Whether it’s listening to audiobooks while on the treadmill, attending webinars on leadership or attending in-person training on personal development, I love to expand my perspective and experiences. I had spent years giving presentations at group and company meetings on all sorts of topics. I was very comfortable with the mic, and I was effective in allowing my personality and passion for the topic to create an entertainment that would hold their attention while keeping people laughing and engaged. So, when I was approached by HR to provide training to new employees on Change Management and Strategic Planning, I jumped at the chance. While making the move to be on the stage from sitting in the audience was an easy adjustment for me, I quickly realized that there was a big difference between receiving training class and giving training. I eagerly began to put together the presentation slides knowing that I could share my passion and energy with the audience. After my first session, it became apparent that being an entertaining presenter was not the same as being a good trainer. Making a class enjoyable is a key point of training so that the participants are receptive to the content and message. But when I sought feedback from the attendees on my training, all the feedback was focused on my delivery and not the content. Basically, my content was forgettable, but they enjoyed hearing what I had to say. The HR Director at the time, provided some suggestions on including activities that would help reinforce the message of the training. She also pointed out that I was essentially providing a lecture or motivational talk but failed to establish a dialogue that helped attendees connect and would maximize the impact of the time we were spending together. Recognizing that if I needed to bring value to those in the training, I needed to put into practice what I enjoyed about learning and make changes to my slides, my content, and my approach. I implemented small group discussions, on stage demonstrations and used flip charts to gather input from the audience. The very next classes I taught, I received excellent feedback on the surveys making my classes the highest rated classes over the next couple of years. Recently, my perspective on training changed once again. While I was still out in front, on the stage, what changed was who was sitting in the seats. I was approached by an outside organization to provide leadership training to a group of managers based upon my blog series, the 3 Pillars of Impact. I was honored and excited about the opportunity to share my experiences and perspective with people outside of my organization. It was another opportunity to make an impact on others which is why I started this blog initially. I began the process of taking my three-part blog series, The 3 Pillars of Impact, and converting them into three distinct training modules: The Courage to Challenge, Expect Excellence & Empower Others. Fortunately, I was able to utilize an outline I had previously put together to support a video series on this blog that I had made for my work. As I began to flesh out the content, it dawned on me that I had lost my biggest advantage to my previous training - these people don’t know who I am. My prior experience was in providing required training for work. It was a targeted audience and was at a company that I had grown up in with so many relatable stories that I could tell providing connections to the past. I was an Executive with years of service in the company which automatically provided some credibility on why they should listen and participate in my training. My examples will now need to be explained to others who have no history. Some of these examples I wouldn't be able to use because they are deemed confidential. I had known that my view as a trainee was different from that as a trainer, but it took me a little longer to realize how different a view it would be moving again to an outside trainer. Each change in perspective puts me down a different path with a different set of questions. A different set of answers. My topics and approaches needed to pull the audience together. To align their perspectives, but also highlight the differences. Creating an environment of sharing between a diverse group of managers regarding age and experience but also with familiarity with each other and their roles in the larger organization. We know changing perspective is always valuable for growth and understanding. Many times, the perspectives change when we change roles. But sometimes, the perspectives can change while performing the same role. These changes can be triggered when the environment changes or maybe because you have learned a little more than before. Because the leader you are today will always be different from the leader you will be, Beyond Today. I recently was part of a wedding for a young man that I coached around 13 years ago. I was honored by their request for me to perform the wedding ceremony as the officiant. An interesting thing happened as the bride began to walk down the aisle. For the first time during a wedding, I was drawn to the parents of the groom. I watched as they would both turn and look at the beautiful bride as she made her way down the aisle towards her future husband. They would then glance at their handsome son, who was oblivious to all that was around him as he was locked onto his approaching bride. The faces of the groom’s parents, filled with joy and emotion, moved back and forth between the bride and their son. This wasn’t the first wedding ceremony that I had attended as I just turned 53 years old. I had been part of many weddings as a young man, before and after my own wedding. Then the next phase of weddings came along as the kids you coached, and your kids’ friends came to the age of getting married. This also wasn’t the first I had performed as an officiant. My experience with weddings has gone from watching, to being part of the wedding party to being the one performing the wedding. Until this moment, I had always viewed the wedding from the perspective of the bride and groom. It was their day! I could relate to this having gone through it, albeit almost 30 years ago. It was a new perspective for me. You saw the pride they had in their son. You saw the excitement in anticipation of gaining a daughter. You could see that they were soaking in every moment of the evening. As I reflect, I’m sure their minds were bouncing between what was happening around them and then into the future of what life has in store for the newlyweds and the family as a whole. I am a sentimental man. At every wedding that I have performed as an officiant, I had to fight back emotions as I watched the groom, fighting back their own emotions, as they witnessed their future walking towards them in stunning beauty, step by step. I know this because that is my memory of seeing my bride way back when. I don’t know what changed my perspective at this specific wedding. I had performed weddings for couples that are my son's age before, and even within the last year. But this time, my perspective changed. My appreciation for this major life event changed. My understanding of the degrees of impact of such an event on multiple lives changed. This wedding served as a great reminder about how perspectives can change depending upon where you are sitting. The view as a wedding guest is different than being part of the wedding party. The perspective is different when you are a groomsman versus when you are the groom. And the perspective is different when you are the officiant performing the service. What I learned at this recent wedding, is even when you are still at the front, your perspective can change when you are open to being changed. When you are open to grow in mind and spirit. When you are open to expanding your perspective Beyond Today. In my last post, Time to Clean the House, I tried to relate the childhood struggles of cleaning your room with some of the adult challenges you may face at work dealing with a messy situation or a difficult project. In this next post, I reflect back on the childhood trauma associated with being the youngest of five kids and trying to find ways to work with my brothers and sisters to get the job done. If you were fortunate like me, you grew up in a large family. With 5 of us kids and me being the youngest, the older ones were constantly looking for ways to complete their chores, but with the least amount of effort on their part. In my 53-year-old mind, I remember myself as being the victim to my older siblings' cunning and more worldly approach to getting things done. Plus, I was the baby of the family and widely known as the sweetest of the Brown kids. So, I’m pretty sure I never pulled these stunts myself. Below are some of the approaches that I remember my siblings taking to help with chores when I was a kid. Do any of these sound familiar to you? The Magician I was convinced for many years that my middle brother was a magician for his uncanny ability to walk into a room and in what seemed like a manner of minutes, would walk out with a clean room. What seemed to be a monumental task of cleaning a room that would take me the better part of a day, he always seemed to knock out in a manner of minutes without a sweat. Of course, only a 5-year-old could fall for his tricks as my mom would walk in, open the closet door and quickly step away as balls and stuffed animals came tumbling down. She would move the bean bag to reveal a pile of matchbox cars. Shoving things under the bed or into the closet may at first glance give the appearance of a clean room, but the experienced manager, in this case our mom, knows to open the closet door and look under the bed when inspecting. The Magician doesn’t address the clutter, they just hide it. The Martyr They like to spend more time talking about what they did then they actually spent cleaning their room or doing the chore. But they want everyone to know what they did and how arduous the task that they somehow, through the grace of God and their own perseverance, was able to overcome. Many times, the Martyr may be related to the Team Player. But related by marriage, like a cousin Eddie. They willingly help you do the chores and may or may not talk about it while it is happening, but afterwards, they go into full Martyrdom mode! The Banker While I do remember the Banker making an appearance once or twice during my youth, they would typically barter for my labor by offering up one of their treasures of such value that only big brothers can accurately describe. My more recent experience with this was watching my oldest son constantly “hire” his siblings to perform tasks throughout their childhood. What started as simple chores, turned into hauling hay, building fence and numerous other jobs with promised riches. But what I witnessed was the transformation of the Banker to the Wealthy Nigerian Uncle scam! The Deflector “But Mom… have you seen Bob’s Room?!” Honestly, not sure which sibling did this the most, because I’m sure we were all guilty of it at some point. But when Mom came to you about your room, your first reaction was to pull out the deflect and distract strategy in hopes that she would walk down the hall and transfer her wrath from your direction to that of your slovenly brother. Even the most experienced parent can fall victim to this trickster as they know just how to play on the emotions and push the right buttons. The Strategist Typically, this is the oldest child. They take the leadership role because hey, it’s not their first rodeo. They will typically call a family meeting and lay out their detailed plan showing how an organized and aligned approach will achieve the goal of a clean house. Further, to guarantee participation, they will show that by allowing people to use their strengths, they can get all of the chores done faster and more efficiently giving everyone more time for something fun. If necessary, The Strategist has been known to provide donuts or other extra benefits to coax them to action. The Strategist is a master of keeping their hands clean and callus free. The Team Player The classic, “many hands make lite work” person who always seems willing to lend a hand to get things done. They seem to make the chore run smoother and it always takes less time than it would have done alone. The best part is that the Team Player always seems to make the work fun. Now, you need to be careful, because sometimes what at first seems to be a Team Player, is actually someone in disguise. A regular Scooby Doo villain if you will. The Ghost The Ghost starts out as the Team Player and get you to agree that the two of you should work together to clean both of your rooms. Making it easier to get done and it will be more fun to work together. Somehow, they always start in their own room first. They work hard and provide direction to you as you work and show great appreciation for your help. Then, it’s time to move to your room and BAM! The Team Player transforms into The Ghost and is gone! Their room is now clean. Their goal is accomplished. They really have no reason to continue to help clean your room. You are left frustrated, tired, and facing your own room to clean - alone. The Helper Not to be confused with The Team Player, the Helper volunteers to help with the best of intentions, but typically becomes a distraction and not much of a helper. They tend to look through everything in the room, get distracted and start playing around. Sometimes they morph into Scope Creep and spend their time re-sorting or expanding the scope from cleaning the room, to reorganizing or even going as far as renovating the room! Ultimately, when things need to get done, taking ownership of the outcome is a great starting point. It takes ownership of all family members to create and maintain an environment that is free of clutter, organized and optimizes harmony in a living space. It is this same ownership in that family unit that translates to work teams and their ability to clean their room for the greater good. For work teams to be effective, time needs to be spent to make sure it is a strong team, with clarified roles and responsibilities, that are willing to work together for a common goal that can keep your room clean Beyond Today. Do you remember as a kid how you agonized over cleaning your room? Typically, you would spend more time whining and trying to avoid doing it then it would actually take you to clean it. As adults, it often seems the same dread you felt as a kid when facing the chore of cleaning your room, returns to you when you are dealing with challenges at work that require change and improvement. Unclear Vision Cleaning is not necessarily the same as organizing. If the vision for the outcome is unclear, you can spend time vacuuming, dusting, and throwing away the old candy wrappers to the point where your room is shining. But you still have piles of clothes on top of your dresser instead of in your dresser. You may have taken every display item off your shelf and wiped them down but put them right back where they were. Many times, cleaning a room doesn’t reduce the content, it just rearranges the clutter. It’s new piles of the same stuff. Having an aligned vision that is well communicated between both parties can really help make sure that your time is spent working on things that add value. Under/Overestimate the Size and Scope Typically, when you are a kid, you see cleaning your room as possibly the largest obstacle ever faced by mankind. NASA might have sent a man to the moon, but I would like to see how they would go about cleaning up this mess. It’s going to take me… let’s all say it together… FOREVER! But quickly, as we get into it, we realize it isn’t as big a deal as we thought. We remove the dirty clothes and take out the trash. Wow, it starts to look better already. Pick up our toys and put them back into the toy box or on the shelf and you realize you are almost done. But there were other times, much rarer, when we thought to ourselves this won’t take long and I will meet my friends at the park and will be playing that game before you know it. Then you realize that you haven’t cleaned or organized your room in a very, very long time. Sorting through the stacks that represented the best of your life for the last few years. You question whether you can both clean AND organize your room in time for you to still make the game. Do you have to change the scope and ask forgiveness or take your chances and suffer the consequences. You start to regret not taking the time to clean your room all those times your parents reminded you that it needed to be done but you were just “too busy.” Bogged Down by the Clutter It is like staring down a driveway in winter with snow drifting up onto the car and it is still snowing outside. Where do you begin? How can you even show progress? As the feeling of being overwhelmed hits an anxiety level, you start to break things down logically and you create piles. Typically, you start with what needs to go. In today’s world, we now consider what goes into the trash and what needs to be recycled. Interestingly enough, this concept is true for projects, reports, ideas and also people. It sounds much colder when you talk about people, but it comes down to if they are not performing or are a distraction, then how do you provide guidance, training, or refocus to help them be successful. Your next pile is stuff you want to keep. Now this is tricky because as a kid, you always kept cool stuff. Things that meant something to you at the time. But you must consider if they are of real value or just a distraction. Is it something that needs to be displayed on a shelf and shared with others? Is it something that you want to hang onto because it will be valuable someday or that it something you want to share with others in the future, so that one goes into storage. Then you have stuff you don’t know what to do with and you either keep it, or you leave it in a pile and hope someone else can decide. That stuff may go into a garage sale or to good will. It may get passed down to your sibling or you give it to your best friend because they always liked to play it. The challenge is to not be distracted by the clutter. It’s easy to let yourself reminisce on the memories and experience the feelings associated with all you have collected. That personal connection can often cloud your judgment and cause you to hold onto items that you should be removing from your room. You justify why it’s important and why you must keep it. You commit to playing with that toy more, but the next time you have to clean your room. There it is again. Taking up space. Still cluttering your room. As adults, our life comes down to how we clean our rooms. Do we have aligned vision and purpose with those we work with and share our lives with? Do we take the time to understand the challenges before us so that we can properly work to overcome and improve? Do we have plans to prepare for the future state and minimize the challenges that we are facing and prevent a mountain of clutter piling up and instead of digging out, we are sorting through? Minimizing the clutter in our work, our life, and our minds is beneficial to keeping our own house clean Beyond Today. I was the oops child. The youngest of five kids who came along a little later than the others, so the gap was such that from 6th grade on, it was just me and my folks. As an avid sports family, I grew up watching my older siblings play on State championship teams and we watched countless games in person and on television as well as driving across the country listening to games on A.M. Radio. (Kids, you are going to have to google this!) Being the youngest, my siblings would try to come to games when they were back in town visiting. We didn’t have streaming services, YouTube, or the internet back then so unless you were local, you were not going to be able to see or hear the game. But my dad would record the games on his VHS camera and when the games were being broadcast on the radio, he would sync them together and so I would have a video tape with real audio broadcast of the game. My oldest brother would come back over the Christmas holiday with his family, and he would stay up in the early hours watching my games from that season. We would spend the time he was here talking and reviewing how I played. My Mom, who was a basketball scoring machine in the 50’s, was extremely competitive. She rode with us to a football game where my oldest son Zach threw for the 2nd most passing yards in a game in school history, but their team went down in defeat. He came out, gave her a hug, and said, “Nan, I’m sorry you had to come all this way to watch us lose. I know how much you hate losing.” She simply responded, “Yes, I do hate losing.” My Dad, who would spend countless hours with me watching games and studying the art of the game, never got to watch my kids play when they entered high school. He only got to watch a few of his grandchildren play when they were younger due to declining health and loss of sight. He was a proud man, who didn’t want to be seen with an oxygen tank and being assisted with a walker. But man, would he have enjoyed watching my kids play. Unfortunately, my mom never got to witness my younger two sons play in high school before she passed, but she enjoyed watching them as young kids and knew that they would be really good when they got into high school. Now, with my youngest having finished his first year of high school ball and now traveling on the Under Armor circuit, his network of supporters has grown beyond his siblings. While at times it seems their sole purpose in life is to make sure he stays humble, they rarely miss watching him play, either in person or through live streams. They are quick to send him texts of encouragement and critique with the focus on helping him get better. But beyond his siblings, are my siblings who also try to watch him play. Surprise visits from my brother who lives in Wyoming and my sister from Texas to watch Ethan play in a tournament. They all watch the live streams of the games and make comments during the game or afterwards if they watch the next day. But having a family take an interest as if he was one of their own kids is simply amazing. This connection was built by our parents when we were growing up, using sports as an outlet and a development tool for life. While all my sons played “the right way”, which is the way my dad coached us and how I have coached my kids and various teams to play. My youngest, Ethan, also has more to his game. He has put in much more time and by watching his older brothers play, he has changed his game and strives to surpass them to make them proud. He is a team-first player that constantly moves the ball and minimizes the amount of time dribbling the basketball which is rare in today’s game, but when needed he can go make a play. He plays with such a high I.Q. that the most common statement I hear about his play is that he never takes a bad shot but manages to put up big numbers. My siblings and I have talked about how much my parents would enjoy watching Ethan play today. He enters the court before every game with a smile on his face, happy to play the game he loves. Even though Ethan doesn’t remember my dad and has a few memories of spending time with my mom when he was little, he doesn’t realize how much they have impacted where he is today. After a recent tournament he played in Phoenix, I sent him a text upon reflecting on his weekend. As I was typing it out, I had to wipe the tears away from eyes, just like I am having to do now as I am writing this blog: “I know you won’t really understand this until you have your own kids, but you can’t comprehend how much I wish my mom and dad could watch you play. I’m proud of you and whether you realize it or not, you are representing what my mom and dad were as parents and people.” Sports can be such a bond for families as it goes beyond them playing a game, to connecting generations. It’s wearing a number worn by other family members. It's arguing about who is the better shooter, playing one-on-one, talking trash, and sharing laughs. It’s gathering on the court after games and taking pictures, sharing memories, and looking at scrap books. It’s sharing a childhood dream and watching someone you love pursue that same dream. Sports have the ability to bring families closer and create memories that will live long Beyond Today. |
AuthorTom Brown - a husband and a father who is simply trying to make a difference. Using my experience as a Manufacturing Executive to connect leadership from the boardroom to the hardwood to help teams grow and develop to make a difference in the lives of others. Archives
April 2024
Categories |
Proudly powered by Weebly